Friday, December 13, 2002

After the last post my Hollywood agent contacted me with at least three different offers for my own Santa-Claus-needs-a-replacement movie, since I was one of the few recognizable celebrities that had not done one yet.

In the first I would play Sancho, a destitute Czech foreign exchange student who through a series of hilarious misadventures ends up squatting in an elve's (Wilford Brimley) house inside Santa's Village, who accidentaly kills Santa (Rob Schneider) while trying to capture evidence of Santa for his doubting friend Pimp Babyface Innocent III (Eddie Murphey). Feeling rather guilty over the predicament I take on the moniker of Santa and attempt to hide the truth from everyone. Zany hijinks obviously ensue, including one memorable scene in which I have to kill Mrs. Claus (Shaquile O'Neil) when she discovers the truth and then I must take on the roles of both Clauses. Many scenes of Mrs. Doubtfire style antics.
Script by John Logan, with Paul Anderson attached to direct.

Or I would play Turk Ruckus a rugged, handsome playboy who takes his luxuriant lifestlyle for granted, until through a series of heartwarming turns his mousey, yet beautiful, secretary (Sherri O'Terri), makes him see the error of his ways, and helps him find love. While this is happening Santa Claus (Nicolas Cage) has been hitting the booze and ends up wandering alone through the streets of New York and sleeping in front of Turk's office building, and is accidentaly hit by Turk's Limo. Turk figures out who the man is and uses his wealth, influence and new found love of humanity to bring Christmas joy to all around the world.
Script by Akiva Goldsman with Ron Howard attached to direct.

Or finally I play Rance the stupidest reindeer who leads the sled into the side of a house, killing all of the eight other tiny reindeer (Whoopi Goldberg, Lance Bass, Taye Diggs, Jamie Kennedy, Willie Nelson, Bart Durham, Dustin Diamond, Cathy Griffin) and Santa (Rodney Dangerfield) on impact. A distraught Rance cries out for assistance to be answered by the chain-smoking spirit of Christmas (Christopher Walken), who teaches him the true value of Christmas and helps him kick the booze. Then Rance takes the reins as the new Santa and captures and enslaves nine multi-national children to pull his sleigh.
Screenplay by Adam Sandler with Jonathan Frakes attached to direct.
(The part with the enslaving of children may be dropped, due to difficulty in child labor statutes effecting the filming schedule)

Which one do you think I should do?

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