News and views for the day:

Is anybody else tired of all this constant listening to others you have to do in the world today? Is it just me?...What's the difference between a hip-hop singers album where rappers guest on every track and a rappers album where singers guest on every track. Back in my day a group would have one singer to do all the vocals except maybe the harmony, and if you needed another type of voice, or wanted to take a breather, let the guitarist sing...Missy Elliot, why?...I'd like to clone myself and send him to work, would it still be slavery if you were only enslaving yourself. Now if only we can solve the problem of the clones we create trying to kill us and steal our souls. That's my soul Dammit!...Where's that Triumph the Insult Comic Dog album they MTV said was coming out?...Go out and buy a Kodo CD today. Random shouting in another language and drums, what more do you need?...How many books do I have to read before I am officially "smart?"...Why should I have to take a personality/intelligence test for a promotion at work, and what business is it of theirs what my beliefs are...What's the next letter in this sequence G F Y Y F G?...That story I posted earlier wasnt't weird, or even strange, but Joey insisted...My talking Master P doll really makes 'em say uhhhhh...I'm going to grow myself some fly-ass dreadlocks...It's maze time.

Here's my "weird" story for Gunny:

(cue creepy music) In my kitchen, over the sink, there is a fluorescent light. Some many months ago this light ceased working. I, being ever resourcefull, waited about two months until all the other lights in the kitchen burned out, and then bought a replacement bulb. That bulb was too big, so I took it back to Wal-Mart and got the proper size. I put it in the light, but it still would not work.
Fast forward about three or four months to a couple of weeks ago. I came home and noticed the light was on. I assumed my roomate had fixed it. Then when he came in, he said "did you fix the light?" I told him I did not.
So the light has magically started working again.
I attribute it to the massive ammounts of microwave radiation the government fires at my apartment to beam telepathic orders into my brain, or leprechauns.

There's your weird story damn you.

I'll be heading back to the 'Boro without wipers still. We attempted to fix them, but it looks to be more than a couple of hours job. My Father and I went to Advance Auto Parts here in Athens to look for parts to fix it, and I noticed something at the store...Both of the workers there were named Mike.

That gets me to wondering how they refer to the two of them at the store to keep them straight. There are multiple Bills on my shift at work, and I don't know exactly how everyone else knows who someone else is talking about, except through contextual evidence.

I wonder if one of the Mikes is known as stupid Mike, or smelly, perhaps short Mike or doesn't understand sarcasm Mike?

Ah well. Maybe it just won't rain anymore when I need to go somewhere.

The great BigStupidTommy, mentioned Dave Attel being in Nashville, or as I like to call it Smashville, on "Insomniac" and being brought into one of the Smashville Vampire Live Action Role-Playing Game (LARP) groups by a girl he had in a few english classes.

Now I'll have to see the episode, because most likely I know most of the people there. I played in Smashville a couple of times a couple of years back, and I doubt that the participants have changed that much.

Hmmm. On the "Charmed" watch, Alyssa Milano was just loved up by a spirit, while wearing only a bra and pajama bottoms. In the words of the great Barry and Levon: "Awwwww Yeahhhhhhh."

Is Stargate a time-travel movie?

The USA network has a time travel movie marathon programmed for sometime soon that I saw a commercial for. They are showing Back to the Future 3, Time Cop, Stargate and a couple of other films I think.

Stargate is not about time travel. It is about travel to a distant world that bears a striking resemblance to ancient egypt. Unless, that is, I completely misunderstood the story of the film.

This has happened before, and will, no doubt, happen again. For the longest time I was confused by what Clambake, Them, and Naked Lunch were about, but then I finally caught on...They're about girls right?

Maybe I'm over-reacting, but when the sci-fi channel shows Indiana Jones films and Stargate is billed as a time-travel film...It just boggles my mind. Do the programmers actually watch the films? I am fine with genre bending, but if you are going to proclaim a genre, then by God, stick to it.

There is no more room in a marathon of time travel films for Stargate than there is for any movie starring Jean Claude Van Damme on the Lifetime.

In Stargate they travel across the universe, and I suppose owing to the theory of relativity the instantaneous travel could be considered time-travel, as the trip occurs at faster-than-light speeds, but much as I thought too much about why robots would fight over drinking water in a post apocalyptic world in Omega Doom I think I am over-analysing here.

If this loose a definition encompases these films as time-travel movies, then why not have, say Black Sheep or any movie made before the year 2000? Any film would do.

In fact all, as Dave Attel says, all anyone really needs to do to time-travel is drink alot. One second you're at a bar drinking, then there is darkness, then it's two hours later and you're in a different bar drinking.

What was my point again?

Merry Christmas to all, or perhaps Mithasmas or Dionysusmas if you prefer. I just have a few things to impart after the comment about the comment.

Yesterday as I was driving from rainy Middle Tennessee to rainy East Tennessee my windshield wipers cut out somewhere around Monteagle mountain. Luckily it was only drizziling a bit by that point, so I made it allright. My father gave me some Rain-X stuff that he says will do the trick without wipers, so I'm guessing I'll get to try that out on the way home since my truck seems to want to make driving a little more difficult.

Also in weather news, as I sit here it is snowing outside. Is it too much to hope that I can be snowed in for about five or six days? It's not that I don't want to go back to work or anything, but I don't want to go back to work.

That Olive the other Reindeer film was on yesterday. Very bad. That's all I'll say. No more singing Drew Barrymore. None. Ever.

Also as I was driving home yesterday from work Steve Gill, local stalwart republican radio talk show host in Nashville, got a call from a guy named Steve who began by talking about the retail season, and from his conversation I gathered that he is a Sam's Club employee, but that is not important. After that he attempted to hijack Gill's show and went into a spiel about Santa being based on Tamuz, an ancient king, and then moved from there into occultic topics and finally wound it up with what began as a monologue about the Rockefeller's that no doubt would have ended with something about the Illuminati.

His was talking on a topic that Gill was discussing, which was the origins of the celebration of Christmas on Dec. 25, and why this date was chosen. Gill said it was in the spirit of competition with the other religions and an attempt to bring people away from the celebrations at the same time. I have some thoughts on the matter, but I think they'll wait until a later post.

Anyway, Gill cut they guy off before the talk got to paranoid, and rightly so. In thinking of caller Steve's words I think that it is important to remember Robert Anton Wilson's (himself a chronicler of the Illuminati) two commandments:

Don't totally believe your own B.S. (belief system), and

Don't totally believe anyone else's B.S. either.

Caller Steve has broken those commandments.

But then so have most people.

I rambled a bit there, but that's what this site's about, my rambling monologues. It just allows you to scroll down when you get tired of it (no doubt everyone I know would love the ability to scroll down, or to mute me).

But, seriously folks, Merry Christmas.

Wow, an actual honest to goodness comment was posted on the comments board. Gunny at work actually had to ask if it was real or if I posted it myself...let me assure you I did not. What this means is that at least TWO people read this besides myself.

Those Two people:
Gunny and Tommy

Wow, I have as many readers as Colin Quin's new show has viewers.

You know what I like the best about hands free cordless phones for people's cars? The fact that now when I'm driving down the street gibbering and talking to myself and gesticulating in an emotional way, people think I'm talking to someone on the phone, and am just really animated.

But what you're thinking is probably right, when people see me in my car they should immediatly be able to tell that:

I can't afford a cell phone, or:

There's no one I could be talking to.

I do, however, thank the cell phone industry for allowing me to look less crazy on the road--maybe not less angry--but less crazy at the very least.

Now if they could only work on a way for me to look and sound less crazy talking to myself outside my car.

You know if I was heading a super-secret ancient organization whose goal it was to rule the Earth, I think that I would meet with the other leaders at something more than a large kitchen table. Escpecially if we had alot of money.

Granted some of these conspiracies have to start small, but come on if you're in the Illuminati you should have an office building to meet at, at least. Or meet in a park or something.

The reason I mention this is the movie Razorblade Smile was on the Sci Fi channel tonight, and besides being a thinly veiled knockoff of Nancy Collins Sonja Blue character, the Illuminati like group in the movie meet at a large oaken table.

My group happens to meet in a stone circle around a large granite---oh, sorry you don't need to know that, do you.

I think the group in the movie needs to look into a symbol for their group rather than a large gaudy ring they all wear. The whole point of a secret society is to not draw attention to it.

Also the movie is really, really bad.

'I had already learnt that even the finest mind is bound to perish if it suffers the infection of journalism. It is not merely that one defiles the mind by inflicting on itslipshod and inaccurate English, shallow, commonplace, vulgar, hasty and prejudiced thought, and deliberate dissipation. Apart from these positive pollutions, there is a negative effect. To read a newspaper is to refrain from reading something worth while. The natural laziness of the mind tempts one to eschew authors who demand a continous effort of intelligence. The first discipline of education must therefore be to refuse resolutely to feed the mind with canned chatter.'
--Not G.Gordon Liddy, but Aleister Crowley

So not only did I get education wrong by studying journalism, but by feeding my readers (and my) minds with canned chatter I have missed even the first discipline.

Oh, woe is me.

Well, I see that Variety is not reporting any of my films as in the works-must speak with agent about this.

On to other news.
I see on the Drudge Report

today that a teen has died "imitating" a stunt called car surfing from the show Jackass. Hmmm. I know the family is probably upset, but really, is this a big loss here? I see this as a bit of thinning the heard. Others might not feel the same way, but I think the show is providing a valuable tool for the improvement of our species.

Minelli and Gest are sueing VH1 for $23 million for not airing their show. Oh if only E! had the good sense not to show Anna Nichole. I don't care what "celebrities" do in their real lives, especially not B-grade celebrities. I wish people like Gest and Whitney Houston and Jacko and Mariah Carey would just fall off the face of the Earth and allow the species to advance (maybe one of the networks could put together a Jackass style show for B-grade celebs that no one wants to see anymore and put them in truly precarious, possibly fatal situations. I would watch that) By the way I didn't know Paul Ruebens had been arrested for kiddie Porn possession. That wasn't on the Drudgereport, but it was on The Smoking Gun under their celebrity Mug-Shot area. Take a look at Yasmine Bleeth, that sure ain't a pretty picture.

Really I don't care what Trent Lott said, and no I don't think he should resign. The people of his state elected him, and if he should leave it should be them who decide it. This is a silly and pointless controversy. I care about his opinions only as far as he votes on them. If he begins supporting racialy biased legislation, then perhaps there is a problem, but come on people, there's no real evidence of that, and everybody occasionally makes a dunderheaded remark. I'm glad I'm only famous In Japan, where they revere me unto like a God, and my words are infallible and my wishes are swiftly carried out. If I had something like "if only Barry Goldwater had been elected president, then we wouldn't have all this war and whatnot going on." Then by-God the good people of Japan would be dilligently at work perfecting a time machine to go back and change history for the better.

McDonald's has posted it's first ever losses. Time to bring back the Mc-Rib.

Also it seems that California is about to be washed away by giant Tsunami like waves. Finally Bill Hick's dream is realized. ARIZONA BAY HERE I COME!

I will neither vouch for Tommy nor verify his existance.

You have been warned.

After the last post my Hollywood agent contacted me with at least three different offers for my own Santa-Claus-needs-a-replacement movie, since I was one of the few recognizable celebrities that had not done one yet.

In the first I would play Sancho, a destitute Czech foreign exchange student who through a series of hilarious misadventures ends up squatting in an elve's (Wilford Brimley) house inside Santa's Village, who accidentaly kills Santa (Rob Schneider) while trying to capture evidence of Santa for his doubting friend Pimp Babyface Innocent III (Eddie Murphey). Feeling rather guilty over the predicament I take on the moniker of Santa and attempt to hide the truth from everyone. Zany hijinks obviously ensue, including one memorable scene in which I have to kill Mrs. Claus (Shaquile O'Neil) when she discovers the truth and then I must take on the roles of both Clauses. Many scenes of Mrs. Doubtfire style antics.
Script by John Logan, with Paul Anderson attached to direct.

Or I would play Turk Ruckus a rugged, handsome playboy who takes his luxuriant lifestlyle for granted, until through a series of heartwarming turns his mousey, yet beautiful, secretary (Sherri O'Terri), makes him see the error of his ways, and helps him find love. While this is happening Santa Claus (Nicolas Cage) has been hitting the booze and ends up wandering alone through the streets of New York and sleeping in front of Turk's office building, and is accidentaly hit by Turk's Limo. Turk figures out who the man is and uses his wealth, influence and new found love of humanity to bring Christmas joy to all around the world.
Script by Akiva Goldsman with Ron Howard attached to direct.

Or finally I play Rance the stupidest reindeer who leads the sled into the side of a house, killing all of the eight other tiny reindeer (Whoopi Goldberg, Lance Bass, Taye Diggs, Jamie Kennedy, Willie Nelson, Bart Durham, Dustin Diamond, Cathy Griffin) and Santa (Rodney Dangerfield) on impact. A distraught Rance cries out for assistance to be answered by the chain-smoking spirit of Christmas (Christopher Walken), who teaches him the true value of Christmas and helps him kick the booze. Then Rance takes the reins as the new Santa and captures and enslaves nine multi-national children to pull his sleigh.
Screenplay by Adam Sandler with Jonathan Frakes attached to direct.
(The part with the enslaving of children may be dropped, due to difficulty in child labor statutes effecting the filming schedule)

Which one do you think I should do?

Has everyone in hollwood done a Santa Claus needs to find a replacement movie? I know Whoopi Goldberg and Tim Allen have, so have Ernest and Fraiser.

When will this stop?

Santa Claus can do his job fine on his own without B-level celebrities moving in on his turf.

More nitpicking now.

What is the purpose of a cooler? I was under the impression it was a container you place food in to keep it cool outside of other refrigeration.

Why does everyone who brings coolers to work think they need to put them in the refrigerator? If it can' t keep your food cool and fresh for four hours or so, just bring a damn paper bag.

That my friends is the truth.

Keep your hands off my lunch.

Is Cloogey, or Clugy or perhaps Klugy a word?

Sumi Das on Tech TV's Fresh Gear just used it to describe the interface on a digital TV card for a computer.

"The interface is Clugy."

Did she mean something else and there was a typo on her teleprompter? Just wondering. I like precision and clarity from my television expierience.

Is there any better movie than Blind Fury, starring Rutger Hauer? I don't think so.

Here we go with some more thoughts on the WB's Charmed.

In today's episode a demon named Abraxes steals the book of shadows from the Charmed ones and (cue dramatic music) begins reading it backwards from the astral plane to turn the spells evil and undo what they have done.

Ive got a few problems with it, and here they go:

The demon is reading the book backwards right, which is bringing the demons they have vanquished back by reversing the spell. What if he reads spells they haven't cast backwards. What happens then? How do you reverse something that hasn't happened yet?

Something I thought of, why do they have a spellbook to vanquish spefic demons with spells that can only be used one time? Why wouldn't whoever wrote the book just have used the spells then to vanquish all the demons. Or, for that matter, why don't the Charmed ones just start at the beginning and vanquish everyone? Couldn't they get rid of all of the demons at once that way, make a weekend of it. Put on a pot of coffee and get rid of all the demons.

What kind of witches are they that they can't even find the Astral Plane. Not only can't they find it, but they didn't even know what it is. It's like they think all there is to using magic is reading a spell from a book and using their limited powers and there is no way to expand on that. There have been other witches in the show that haven't had any inherent powers, they just used magic through study. You would think that at least one of them would decide to, I don't know, read a book about magic or something. Hit the library. Read some books, practice a little. It's not like you can become a professional baseball player by just being good. You have to practice a bit, work at it some.

Alyssa Milano is very attractive. Not a complaint, just a compliment.

If they'd read a book, maybe they'd learn some protection spells. A ward here, a ward there, maybe then all these demons wouldn't keep wandering into their house. They don't seem to have ever heard of a pentacle.

A little divination magic wouldn't hurt them either.
Anyway, enough contemplation of Charmed, or as I like to call it, Buff Light.

That's that Mattress Man.

I was in Hastings (your entertainment superstore) today doing my holiday shopping, and they had the first Simpson's Christmas special showing over and over on the in-store televisions.

Some things I noticed:

The guy at the racetrack who throws out Santa's Little Helper has the exact same voice as Moe. Somehow I missed what he looked like the three times he was on-screen (from that you can surmise how long I spent in the store).

I think I would get a little tired of hearing the same episode over and over again, especially a first season Simpson's episode.

I cannot escape Christmas music.

Hastings sells caffeinated mints. I bought some of the Cinnamon ones. They make my tounge burn, and I feel all tingly in my brain. Those could be all in my mind, but I don't think so. Three of them = one soda. Maybe I shouldn't have eaten all 25 at once.
I don't think I'm going to be able to sleep for a while.

On a lighter note there's a local wrestler here in Middle Tennessee with the name "The Thud" he is wrestling someone called simply "the Nazi." I wonder what the Nazi's gimmick is. I thought those gimmicks were behind us. Of course there is a guy who I saw two years in a row wrestle at DragonCon in Atlanta that had the generic Russian gimmick going, complete with hammer and sickle flag. And there is the little issue of Tennessee Cowboy James Storm.

Bill's Quick Movie Review: Sam Peckinpah's "Straw Dogs" starring Dustin Hoffman is like home alone, only without Joe Pesci and with bloodier action and a disturbing rape scene. If only that loveble scamp Kevin had a large bear trap to clamp down over Marv's head, now that would have been comedy.

Is every one of Jennifer Lopez's songs from now on going to be about how real she is, and how fame hasn't changed her (nor her mad bank)? The new one "Don't be fooled by the rocks that I got/I'm still Jenny from the block/used to have a little/now I gotta lot/No matter where I go I know where I came from" Before "I'm Real."

Think she's trying to convince us or herself?

Some words of import from Pimp Babyface Innocent III:

"You can't build no other Earth."

"There is no Santa Claus, He does not exist."

"I am not a pimp, I don't even know what a pimp is."

Also Television is officially fired. On the whole it displeases me. Some of the shows and actors can keep their jobs, but there are going to be alot of layoffs in the next few weeks (you hear me Anna Nicole Smith, Charmed, entire WB lineup?) I will be taking applications for new television to amuse me in the coming weeks.

From House of Leaves by Mark Z. Danielewski

A monk joins an abbey ready to dedicate his life to copying ancient books by hand. After the first day though, he reports to the head priest. He's concerned that all the monks have been copying from copies made from still more copies.
"If someone makes a mistake," he points out. "It would be impossible to detect. Even worse the error would continue to be made."
A bit startled, the priest decides that he better check their latest effort against the original which is kept in a vault beneath the abbey. A place only he has access to.
Well two days, then three days pass without the priest resurfacing. Finally the new monk decides to see if the old guy's allright. When he gets down there though, he discovers the priest hunched over both a newly copied book and the ancient original text. He is sobbing and by the look of things has been sobbing a long time.
"Father?" the monk whispers.
"Oh Lord Jesus," the priest wails. "The word is 'celebrate.'"

If I had a child I would name it Lil Monkey Bacon.

I think that's a tremendously funny name, though almost any name followed by Bacon is funny in its own right. Kevin Bacon, Bill Bacon, Lil Monkey Bacon. I know you see the corrolation.

Imagine how tough that kid would be when it grows up. Move over boy named Sue, here's Lil Monkey Bacon.

I started reading Peter David's Sir Apropos of Nothing the other day, and I don't think I'm going to be able to finish it. It's not that the book is that bad. It's much for the same reason that I can't read Xanth novels anymore, Terry Prachett just does it much better.

I've seen people in the talkback section of Aint-it-cool-news.com argue that Prachett is a hack, his books are unfunny and that he is a Douglas Adams wannabe. Now on the first two points, I don't know if he is a hack or not, but much like other much maligned hack Stephen King, he writes a good story. On the second point, I can honestly say that I rarely encounter novels that make me laugh out loud one time, much less many times. Mark Danielewski's House of Leaves made me laugh, but that was because a character told a joke I found particularly funny, but even "humorous" books like the Xanth novels don't make me laugh consistently, Prachett does.

On the third point, if you consider anyone who writes humorous fiction about zany characters a Douglas Adams clone, then yes Prachett is guilty.

The thing that I like the most in Prachett's books is what he doesn't tell you and the understatement of it all. Often times you will get the setup for an action piece and then cut to afterwards where the characters and situations relate what happened, letting the reader fill in the gaps. Also Pratchett will often use a dry and matter of fact tone to deliver the humor.

He is the straight man, your brain is the wacky-foreign neighbor played by Bronson Pinchot.

I also like that the magicians are basically Newtonian scientists on the way to becoming Quantum Physicists.

Seeing Apropos' cover just got me started thinking. Back to that book.

What I read of David's novel just seemed forced. Everything is over-explained. I get that Apropos is loquacious, but I would prefer if he would show the reader that he is a tremendous liar before he tells them that he is. Less damn dialogue, more action. As I said in the Scorpion King review, don't tell me something, show me and let me figure it out myself.

How many awards shows can VH1 do? They already have the My VH1 awards, the Fashion Awards, and now the Big in 2002 awards show. I think there should be an awards show channel, that way they're all there in one easy to find place. We could run awards for everything-movies, music, fashion, magazine journalism, cynical-no-talent grocery stockers with no drive who write web-pages that no one read and don't ever seem to leave their apartment except to go to work (I'd be a shoe in for that award, if there weren't so many others out there just like me, who dress like me, cuss like me and don't give a F*ck like me, that's right, I'm Slim Shady).

But seriously, why? I know they're cheap to produce and fill up three hours of air-time, but why?

Today's foreign language quote comes from G.E. Lessing who wrote:
Ein einziger dankbarer Gedanke gen Himmel ist das vollkommenste Gebet.

I'm unsure if Tommy is telling me specifically to buy him something good for Christmas in his news and views for his shout out for my page, or if He's wanting something good from everyone. What do you think?

Who am I kidding, nobody reads this but me.

I'm working six nights in a row this week, and let me tell you I had to stand and think for about twenty minutes this morning to try and figure out if It was Sunday, Monday or Tuesday. I'm still not really sure.

I'm not being very funny here am I? Well I'm only writing this for my own amusement and gratification anyway.

I think it's time to change the template on this page.

I want the Fannie May Foundation to stay out of my business. Telling me that I can't get a good job or a house or anything without good credit. Pfeh. Commercials suck. As BIll Hicks said "If you are in advertising, do me a favor right now. Kill Yourself."

I also hate web-pages that try to reset your homepage to them, and won't let you leave until you do. I wish I knew how to write the HTML to do that. Hmmmmm.

I think it would be incredibly creepy if we lived in a world animated by Ray Harryhausen style stop motion.

So TLC has a new album. On a related subject, how does Alliyah still put out new videos? Or for that matter how is 2-Pac STILL putting out new music. Do Hip Hop record labels have some kind of phone-line to the dead? If they do why not contact, say John Lennon? I'm sure he'd be happy to do a duet with Busta Rhymes, or lay down a phat beat for Ludacris.

They're playing nothing but Christmas music at work. They seem to have about twenty-five versions of the same four songs. I have no problem with some Christmas music, but when Little Drummer Boy is played three times in under an hour, including the Bing Crosby/David Bowie version, something is very wrong.

Why is Mariah Carey on my television?

Will Freddy v. Jason suck? Probably, since Kelly Rowland of Destiny's Child is in it. I really don't think she needs to be singing songs about misunderstood young white male high school students. It would be like me writing and singing a song about a thirty-year-old female chinese farmer. I don't know the life, even with research it would come off very shallow.

Shattershot post this morning.

Talk to me.