Friday, February 25, 2005

Darius Rucker and Cursed

Check out Vern at AICN's review of Wes Craven's new film Cursed. I laughed more than twice. From the sound of it the review is about twenty times better than the movie. I especially liked this part about making films by committee.

This is not a process that works. You can't have somebody half finish a script, then start filming, then tell them you want something else and have them rewrite it, then when it's finished try to cut it into something else you thought of later. How many times can you make that mistake and not figure out what's what? I'm telling you guys, you just can't make a good movie the way you are trying to make movies. You can't even make a good sandwich that way. You'd end up with peanut butter and dijon mustard, with lightning bolt shaped bread that has jalapeno cheese sauce in the crust, and a little screen made out of white chocolate that you can use to look up football scores and download the new song by Ludacris. These people cannot be trusted to make decisions about art or entertainment. They should not be allowed out of their houses.

Also, Darius Rucker has officially hit the bottom with his new Burger King Tender Crisp Sandwich Cowboy Video Commercial. At least he's gotten me and others to notice him again though.

Dusty Booking

I caught about half of TNA Impact today and saw that they have decided on the name The New Age Outlaw for the wrestler formerly known as Billy Gunn. I'm guessing that the WWE owns the copyright/TM on New Age Outlaws, but not Outlaw, but I also imagine that Vince and Co will look into making them stop.

Also at the next pay-per-view the X-Division title will be determined in an Ultimate X match booked by Dusty which starts as a tag-match, I think it went something like this:

The match begins as a tag team bout until one person is pinned, and then it becomes a triple threat match until another wrestler is eliminated, then three envelopes will be lowered from the ceiling, each containing a name of a weapon which can then be used to break open one of the four Plexiglas cages located on the top layer of the three level cage which will then be erected by the two eliminated wrestlers (the weapons are also legal in the match)

Inside each of the Plexiglas cages is a telephone that will only work if the proper number is dialed. The number is to be determined by correctly re-arranging the five digits displayed on five signs held up by five fans.

Once the proper number is dialed the wrestler will hear a message telling them the address they are to drive to await further instructions.

While that is happening the two eliminated wrestlers (after erecting the cage) and the wrestler who does not correctly dial the number will then be joined by four other randomly determined wrestlers and will compete in a hardcore battle royal until only two men remain who will then have a tag team match for the Tag Team Championships!

Monday, February 21, 2005


I always assumed that Hunter Thompson would live forever, like Keith Richards, with his organs pickled by Wild Turkey and Mescaline.

I Imagine that being Hunter Thompson was pretty difficult, since he created a character for himself that was one of mythic proportions.

I wish that there were legions of crazed, drunken and drugged Gonzo Journalists roaming the lands and stirring shit up with Hunter as their Undead Zombie King, but now that shall not be.

I don't have any more words for now.

Friday, February 18, 2005

Bad Cartoons

Sweet Jesus Fox, please, please, please put those new Family Guy episodes on the fast track, because American Dad is horrible. Horrible. It's like a badly done parody of Family Guy.

Also, I'm hoping that the story about Loonatics, an updated Looney Tunes for the Anime Generation is all a horrible hoax, but I have a sinking feeling that it is not.

More Identity Theft

Not only have Wil Wheaton and CSI stolen my appearance, but Penn Jillette has seen into my very soul, into the innermost secrets of my person.

He was reading everything Kurt Vonnegut wrote and eating a lot of candy...Really nothing but candy. For the last six months, he ate nothing but candy: not a French fry, not a grape.

That's from Penn's novel Sock. How does he see into me like that?

Saturday, February 12, 2005

Where are they now?

Wesley Crusher:

It's Wil Wheaton as crazy Walter from a currently filming episode of CSI. I'm really tired of television series ripping off my look, but I am happy that I've finally found the perfect actor to portray me in film.

Friday, February 11, 2005

Catch Up

"A Blooming Onion? I would not like some of your deep-fried ball of onion."
--Chris Jericho

Is it wrong that I thought it was funny when I heard a kid at work crying "I'm peeing in my pants!"

It wasn't what he said that was so funny, it was the completely horrified way that he was saying it.

Also, just as a public service announcement, if you can't fit something into a shopping cart, you can't fit it into your car. I can fit it in your car, but there will be some breakage.

Also, I have loaded the same type of entertainment center into two different SUV's in the last month and both of them had broken rear windows.

I'll laugh like this in twenty years.
More of the same.

I'm still not sold on the story for Constantine. I've now read both the comics adaptation and the novelization by John Shirley, and it still doesn't totally work for me, but I hear the movie is oh so very pretty.

The laughs above are from the end of the world episode of Penn and Teller's Bullshit. I bought the first two seasons and I'm enjoying them quite a bit.

I'm also watching the first season of 24 and it is quite good, just as everyone says it is.

This is all for now.

Saturday, February 05, 2005

On and off the tube

Enterprise=canceled. Now I'll never find out who the mysterious future being messing with the past of the Federation was. This makes it the first of the series since TOS not to run the full seven seasons. Hooray!

Marvel should have their Giant Sized Man-Thing examined, because it don't look good.

Sam Raimi has confirmed that he will direct Bruce Campbell in Evil Dead 4, as well as oversee a remake. (not really television news, but, oh well)

There is a Kolchak the Nightstalker re-make in production by one of the guys who worked on X-Files.

...and Enterprise is cancelled. Hooray!

Friday, February 04, 2005


Sideways isn't really a comedy like the ads say. Nor is it one of the best films of last year. It's a bit like Radio in its attempt to be an Oscar contender, though a little more subtle than Cuba Gooding, Jr. with fake teeth.

It seems to want to be a zany buddy/romantic comedy, but never really lets itself get over itself.

But I don't know anything about wine, so maybe there were some really funny wine jokes that slipped by me, but I doubt it.

There's a lot of talking about wine in this one.

There's also a scary running naked guy near the end that could be a centerpiece in a really funny comedy.

In fact, I see that M.C. Gainey, the big scary naked guy will be playing Roscoe P. Coltrane in the new Dukes of Hazzard movie. Now I have the incredibly hilarious image of Roscoe running naked after them Duke boys doing the "do-do-do" laugh from the show.

I'm not really offended, or surprised that Paul Giamatti didn't get nominated for an Oscar for this film. It was a good performance, but American Splendor was much, much better. I got the impression that Paul was just playing Paul in this one, and giving him an Oscar for that would be like giving John Wayne an Oscar for playing John Wayne.

Also, somewhere on the drive home I got pretty angry at this film because it tried to make me feel sorry for Giamatti's character when he is a lying scumbag. He steals money from his mother and lies repeatedly to his friends. I'm unsure why he was stealing money from his mother, he has a rich friend who would pay for all the wine that he can't really afford, and he has a steady job teaching school, so I would have to say he needs to take up a less expensive hobby than drinking grape juice that has gone bad.

Those of us who aren't wealthy drink beer or whiskey. You can do the tasting bit with beer and whiskey.

Also, Lowell would not know who John Kennedy Toole was, much less that he killed himself before his book was published.

But that naked guy was damn funny. I never would have thought that I would be demanding more time for a scary naked guy in a film.

The direction is fine, the acting is fine, but the story is just a bit on the slow side, and the score got on my nerves for about half the film.

There was some funny here, but it just didn't cary the slower parts.

I don't think that it's that I'm just too stupid or witless to 'get' this movie either. I just this one is a bit overhyped. I really liked director Alexander Payne's other film About Schmidt (which also featured a scary nude scene from an actor that really shouldn't be nude on film--hmm, methinks I sense a trend), but this one just doesn't quite gel like that one did.

Maybe I just need to drink a lot of wine.
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