Thursday, July 29, 2004

Ultimate Robot II

Still not convinced ULTIMATE ROBOT is for you, I'm not!

Take a gander at these expensive and illogical add-ons that you will be forced by law to purchase:

ULTIMATE ROBOT MYSTERY APPENDAGE: Even we at ULTIMATE ROBOT LABS don't know what this is, but ULTIMATE ROBOT sure seems to. Hook it up and watch it twitch. Do not try to touch the appendage after application, as this will void the warranty and cause impotence.

ULTIMATE ROBOT EXTRA FINGER: (finger not included) Just attach the ULTIMATE ROBOT FINGER REMOVER and wait ten to fifteen seconds as ULTIMATE ROBOT goes to work. The most exciting part is that YOU become a part of the experience as your ULTIMATE ROBOT swiftly removes one of your fingers at random and attaches it to the ULTIMATE ROBOT finger nodule. Each finger added will retain full articulation abilities. (ULTIMATE ROBOT, LLC. is not responsible for death due to bleeding, make sure to clean and cauterize any wounds received during procedure.)

ULTIMATE ROBOT FANCY PANTS: ULTIMATE ROBOT looks and feels dandy and sexy in these tight lycra hotpants. Watch your ULTIMATE ROBOT strut and preen before turning on you in an orgy of fantastic VIOLENCE!

ULTIMATE ROBOT TUB TILE AND GROUT CLEANER: Now parents can get in on the fun. Once attached to ULTIMATE ROBOT’s gimble, your ULTIMATE ROBOT will commence to clean all tile in your home, once this task is completed there is a strong possibility that ULTIMATE ROBOT will then attempt to set fire to your domicile!

ULTIMATE ROBOT EXTREME DATING APPLIANCE: (not recommended) In what may be the most ill-conceived addition to the ULTIMATE ROBOT family, when attached this appliance will loudly demand to be taken to dinner and a movie, and will then initiate unwarranted sexual contact, culminating--oh for God’s sake you don’t want to know.

ULTIMATE ROBOT GLOBAL LINK: Have you ever wanted to make money from the privacy of your home? Well, this is not the way. ULTIMATE ROBOT GLOBAL LINK is a wireless ATM add-on for your ULTIMATE ROBOT. After attachment ULTIMATE ROBOT GLOBAL LINK will swiftly transfer all funds in your accounts to an Swiss bank account of ULTIMATE ROBOT’s choosing.

ULTIMATE ROBOT CURIOUS OINTMENT: Soothes and cools your ULTIMATE ROBOT’s skin and will remove years from ULTIMATE ROBOT’s appearance. In some instances it will cause blindness. Also remember that ULTIMATE ROBOT hates this stuff.

ULTIMATE ROBOT PILE OF FECES: The natural habitat for your ULTIMATE ROBOT. There is nothing that an ULTIMATE ROBOT enjoys more than rooting through a random pile of fecal matter. The best way to make sure that your ULTIMATE ROBOT remains happy and sedated.

ULTIMATE ROBOT PRESCRIPTION STEALING CLAW: ULTIMATE ROBOT wants your pills and ULTIMATE ROBOT will have them. ULTIMATE ROBOT may also use claw to remove testicles.

...and that’s not all, but is all for now!

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