The Rutger Hauer Hour, being a story of the insidious Dr. Satan and his platonic love for Rutger Hauer.
Open on various shots of DR SATAN waking and going about his morning business in his small apartment, showering, shaving the sides of his goatee and sideburns, brushing his teeth, and making his beard and hair into the little points. He opens the door from the bathroom and behind it is BEAR.
Dr. Satan
GAAAHHHH!!!!
Bear
GAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!
Dr. Satan
Oh, it is only the insolent bear with which I live.
Bear
Are you finished in there? I think I need to make some root beer.
Dr. Satan
You are greatly disgusting me.
Bear
Whatever.
Now we go to DR SATAN in his work clothes preparing for the day, eating breakfast, reading the newspaper, looking at porn on the internet, whatever. BEAR comes in, carrying a cup of coffee, and wearing some form of work shirt.
Bear
What’s the show about this week?
Dr. Satan
I hate insolent bears. The show is called Rutger Hauer Hour of Power.
Bear
Rutger Hauer Hour would be better, it’s shorter and snappier.
Dr. Satan
Am I in the habit of answering to you?
Bear
Whatever chief. It’s your show.
Bear
Your show is only 30 minutes though, isn’t it?
Dr. Satan
Yes, what of it?
Bear
So how can it be an Hour of Rutger Hauer when you only have 30 minutes?
Dr. Satan (indignant and angry)
Perhaps, insolent Bear, I am making two shows at once, both involving the wonderful Mr. Hauer.
Bear (humoring him)
There’s definitely enough there for two shows isn’t there?
Dr. Satan
He is the star of the films Bladerunner, LadyHawke, and of course Blind Fury.
Bear
And Omega Doom.
Dr. Satan
SPEAK NOT THAT NAME.
Bear
Whatever.
Later Establishing shot of the building where the show is taped. Local cable access station. A small squat building. DR SATAN is going over his pre-show notes on the set. CHOP SUEY SOCCER GUY comes in.
Dr Satan
Has the excellent Mr. Hauer arrived yet.
CSSG
Naw man.
Dr. Satan
It is being time for the show very soon. I am hoping he will arrive in the meantime.
CSSG
Man you crazy. Why you want him on the show so bad? Why not have on Danny Glover or Carrot Top or somebody cool like that.
Dr. Satan
None is cooler than Rutger Hauer, nor more deserving of the affection of all.
CSSG
You crazy man.
Show opening, various shots of DR SATAN and CSSG as well as other characters. Explosions, dancing girls, the last shot is of Dr. Satan in a dress looking like a little girl, he looking pissed . The title glyph, in Kanji says “Super Gaijin Dance Party,” the next card says Rutger Hauer Hour.
We come up on the desk, where DR SATAN sits with CSSG to his right in on the couch
Dr. Satan
Welcome all to my show with good tidings. On show today we are having some very special guest. The favorite actor of all my Dark Glory, the valiant Mr. Rutger Hauer. He is being the star of the wonderful films, Bind Fury and Bladerunner.
CSSG
and Omega Doom.
This prompts an icy glare from Dr. Satan
Dr. Satan
You will be silent for now. Everyone is having some bad films now and then.
CSSG
He sure do seem to have a lot of them.
Dr. Satan
SILENCE.
CSSG
Deadlocked? Turbulence II? The aforementioned Omega Doom.
RUTGER HAUER (sitting down)
I needed the money on that one.
Dr. Satan (Super Deformed ultimately happy)
Mr. Hauer, I am being so happy to have you to my show!
Dr. Satan pumps his arm.
Rutger Hauer
Yeah, right. Listen is this going to take long, I’m filming today, and my agent said I’d only have to be here a few minutes.
Dr. Satan
I am only having a few questions for you. ( he reaches down and pulls out a gigantic stack of cards) First What is being your address.
RH
I’m not telling you that on the air.
Dr. Satan
Just write it there on the card.
RH
no.
CSSG
Man watch out for this cat he’s in serious love with you or something.
RH
what?
CSSG
got pictures of you at home, and like all your films and stuff. Always talking about stuff like What are you thinking Rutger Hauer would do in this situation. It’s all jacked up man.
Dr. Satan
Can not a man have great admiration and platonic love for another man, and express it through song and deed.
RH and CSSG exchange a look for a beat, and CSSG mouths the word “run” .
RH
I’m out of here.
CSSG
Run away man, go fast.
Dr. Satan angry, dark faced loses it. Glares at CSSG.
Dr. Satan
I am hating mankind now, again. Most special in this hate is for you.
Dr Satan stands up and goes to the side of the set where there is a large inverted pentagram drawn on the floor and a baphomet on the wall. Braziers and candles burn.
CSSG
Oh snap, here we go again.
Dr. Satan (Chanting in center of pentagram)
I am calling on the darkness and the great beast to be granting me the power to destroy mankind.
He Chants in Enochian and picks up an athame and cuts his hand, then drinks something dark and red from a chalice. At the end he stops and lowers his head. He then begins to grow.
After that it goes to a Godzilla style scene with Dr Satan destroying part of the city before being defeated by his arch-nemesis. It ends with a circle back to his apartment and a conversation with Bear.
And with that I bid you goodnight.
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