House of the Dead

Sweet Jesus this is a bad movie.

It's like someone gave Andy Sidaris $60 million to make a movie but told him that he could only have two nude scenes at the very beginning, then brought in a room full of six year olds and sat them in front of an avid machine to do the edits.

I am unsure what the intent of the filmmakers was in House of the Dead. Were they trying to make a campy horror film or were they trying to tap into the crappy dialogue and cut scenes on the original game? Is it a horror film that just turned out badly?

Here's the story: A group of pretty, pretty people arrive on an island for the "year's biggest rave," and find it deserted. Then Zombies attack.

Someone seemed to think that it would be a good idea if the cast was able to fight Matrix style, and cut in footage from the game at various points for no reason.

I'm watching the movie as I write this, and Ellie Cornell's portrayal of Coast Guard Captain Jordan Casper is one of the worst performances I've ever seen in any film. She's bad porno movie actress bad. Every line reading is flat and uninspired. The amazing thing is that in such a horrible movie that her performance stands out as being as bad as it is.

This is listed as #30 on the Internet Movie Databse bottom 100, and it amazes me that it isn't rate lower than that.

Unlike Cabin Fever where I got the impression that everyone got the joke and the fact that the movie was a comedy rather than a horror film, I think one of the problems here is that different people wanted this movie to be different things, and in the end it came out as the lesser of all of the those.

Terrible.