After painstakingly spending twenty arduous minutes deciphering the text I discovered it to be some form of religious text. It is quite obviously blasphemous and comes from a deranged mind, so I advise no one to read it. I present it here merely in the interests of science.
I have been able to ascertain that the document was written sometime before March of this year, but thus far carbon tests have been inconclusive.
Hopefully (or not) further chapters of the text will come to my attention. If so, I will be sure to bring them immediately to your attention, as I look upon you, the internet, as my family, and therefore people who must listen to me, no matter what.
The Book of Inconcongruous Secretion
Being a semi-oracular ejaculation of his Bucolic Majesty Frater Pragnosticus, the lesser, of the Order of the Middle Pillar of Ten, Palaver
Chapter 1
1. And it came to pass on the fifth day of Hank in the year of Pavement, that they came to dwell and sup in the valley of the Golden Pleece, in the land of Shim Sham Shabbaz.
2. Five of them there were amongst them Frater Pragnosticus, the lesser, and his brethren Ordinance the lame and three others of no renown.
3. From the bowl of cromulence took each he a biscuit of countenance and taking thus they broke and ate.
4. And the lesser spake:
5. "This shit be stale."
6. And yea they did nod in agreement. Then there was the sleeping time.
7. And lo in the night there came to them the angel Vaclav and he spake unto them thusly:
8. "Arise Ye and view my visage for it is lovely and of no compare with such monkeys as thou."
9. They looked then and there eyes were burned as with white hot iron pokers.
10."Ouch," said they and many unpleasantries were expunged.
11."Heh," said Vaclav.
23."Could monkey's assault the with therest feces so?" Intoned Insolent Pragnosticus, throwing his foul excrement at the virtuous beauty of Vaclav.
12."Fie, Fie, assuage me not with your usury!" Saideth Vaclav. "Thou art truly more foul than monkeys! I shall henceforth call the mankeys."
13."What beest that behind thine back?" Ordinance offered.
14."Ah, I hadst almost forgotten," Vaclav vacillitated. That ist why I are here."
15."On this day I doeth confer a kind of enlightenment on the, but only so much, and I don't think you get eternal life, because of the whole shit slinging thing (that was just rude). So consider yourselves enlightened. Go forth ye and gather a flock, then tell them of the mysteries of the Multiverse.
16. Then the angel didst depart, taking with him whatever it waseth behind his back.
17. "Dirty Twat," said Ordinance, "could've at least cured my lameness, or this sodding blindness he damn well caused."
17. "Well thou shouldest not have stared thusly. Bright like the sun, he was," Pragnosticus said.
18. "What good is a flock then?" One of the others asked.
19. And then, Pragnosticus proclaimed, "Did thoust not gaineth the enlightenment, or was thou too blinded by the light. For I say to you the flock is to bringeth to us large sums of money that they shall layeth at our feet, and also for the sexual relations."
20. "I didn't get that at all," Ordinance said.
21. "It surpriseth me not that thoust didst not taketh of the advice of yon Angel," Pragnosticus proclaimed. "For I didst not understand him either, but take heed ye that I thinketh this is what he menteth by hiding something behind his back."
22. "I liketh what you say," said one of the others. "I wouldst like to subscribeth to your newsletter."
23. "All in due time," saideth Pragnosticus. "For now let us depart and findeth some wenches."
That was all that there was to the document. Written on the back of a Denny's napkin made it deceptively hard to decipher, but I think that this is the closest we shall come to understanding the
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