Wow, an actual honest to goodness comment was posted on the comments board. Gunny at work actually had to ask if it was real or if I posted it myself...let me assure you I did not. What this means is that at least TWO people read this besides myself.

Those Two people:
Gunny and Tommy

Wow, I have as many readers as Colin Quin's new show has viewers.

You know what I like the best about hands free cordless phones for people's cars? The fact that now when I'm driving down the street gibbering and talking to myself and gesticulating in an emotional way, people think I'm talking to someone on the phone, and am just really animated.

But what you're thinking is probably right, when people see me in my car they should immediatly be able to tell that:

I can't afford a cell phone, or:

There's no one I could be talking to.

I do, however, thank the cell phone industry for allowing me to look less crazy on the road--maybe not less angry--but less crazy at the very least.

Now if they could only work on a way for me to look and sound less crazy talking to myself outside my car.

You know if I was heading a super-secret ancient organization whose goal it was to rule the Earth, I think that I would meet with the other leaders at something more than a large kitchen table. Escpecially if we had alot of money.

Granted some of these conspiracies have to start small, but come on if you're in the Illuminati you should have an office building to meet at, at least. Or meet in a park or something.

The reason I mention this is the movie Razorblade Smile was on the Sci Fi channel tonight, and besides being a thinly veiled knockoff of Nancy Collins Sonja Blue character, the Illuminati like group in the movie meet at a large oaken table.

My group happens to meet in a stone circle around a large granite---oh, sorry you don't need to know that, do you.

I think the group in the movie needs to look into a symbol for their group rather than a large gaudy ring they all wear. The whole point of a secret society is to not draw attention to it.

Also the movie is really, really bad.

'I had already learnt that even the finest mind is bound to perish if it suffers the infection of journalism. It is not merely that one defiles the mind by inflicting on itslipshod and inaccurate English, shallow, commonplace, vulgar, hasty and prejudiced thought, and deliberate dissipation. Apart from these positive pollutions, there is a negative effect. To read a newspaper is to refrain from reading something worth while. The natural laziness of the mind tempts one to eschew authors who demand a continous effort of intelligence. The first discipline of education must therefore be to refuse resolutely to feed the mind with canned chatter.'
--Not G.Gordon Liddy, but Aleister Crowley

So not only did I get education wrong by studying journalism, but by feeding my readers (and my) minds with canned chatter I have missed even the first discipline.

Oh, woe is me.

Well, I see that Variety is not reporting any of my films as in the works-must speak with agent about this.

On to other news.
I see on the Drudge Report

today that a teen has died "imitating" a stunt called car surfing from the show Jackass. Hmmm. I know the family is probably upset, but really, is this a big loss here? I see this as a bit of thinning the heard. Others might not feel the same way, but I think the show is providing a valuable tool for the improvement of our species.

Minelli and Gest are sueing VH1 for $23 million for not airing their show. Oh if only E! had the good sense not to show Anna Nichole. I don't care what "celebrities" do in their real lives, especially not B-grade celebrities. I wish people like Gest and Whitney Houston and Jacko and Mariah Carey would just fall off the face of the Earth and allow the species to advance (maybe one of the networks could put together a Jackass style show for B-grade celebs that no one wants to see anymore and put them in truly precarious, possibly fatal situations. I would watch that) By the way I didn't know Paul Ruebens had been arrested for kiddie Porn possession. That wasn't on the Drudgereport, but it was on The Smoking Gun under their celebrity Mug-Shot area. Take a look at Yasmine Bleeth, that sure ain't a pretty picture.

Really I don't care what Trent Lott said, and no I don't think he should resign. The people of his state elected him, and if he should leave it should be them who decide it. This is a silly and pointless controversy. I care about his opinions only as far as he votes on them. If he begins supporting racialy biased legislation, then perhaps there is a problem, but come on people, there's no real evidence of that, and everybody occasionally makes a dunderheaded remark. I'm glad I'm only famous In Japan, where they revere me unto like a God, and my words are infallible and my wishes are swiftly carried out. If I had something like "if only Barry Goldwater had been elected president, then we wouldn't have all this war and whatnot going on." Then by-God the good people of Japan would be dilligently at work perfecting a time machine to go back and change history for the better.

McDonald's has posted it's first ever losses. Time to bring back the Mc-Rib.

Also it seems that California is about to be washed away by giant Tsunami like waves. Finally Bill Hick's dream is realized. ARIZONA BAY HERE I COME!

I will neither vouch for Tommy nor verify his existance.

You have been warned.

After the last post my Hollywood agent contacted me with at least three different offers for my own Santa-Claus-needs-a-replacement movie, since I was one of the few recognizable celebrities that had not done one yet.

In the first I would play Sancho, a destitute Czech foreign exchange student who through a series of hilarious misadventures ends up squatting in an elve's (Wilford Brimley) house inside Santa's Village, who accidentaly kills Santa (Rob Schneider) while trying to capture evidence of Santa for his doubting friend Pimp Babyface Innocent III (Eddie Murphey). Feeling rather guilty over the predicament I take on the moniker of Santa and attempt to hide the truth from everyone. Zany hijinks obviously ensue, including one memorable scene in which I have to kill Mrs. Claus (Shaquile O'Neil) when she discovers the truth and then I must take on the roles of both Clauses. Many scenes of Mrs. Doubtfire style antics.
Script by John Logan, with Paul Anderson attached to direct.

Or I would play Turk Ruckus a rugged, handsome playboy who takes his luxuriant lifestlyle for granted, until through a series of heartwarming turns his mousey, yet beautiful, secretary (Sherri O'Terri), makes him see the error of his ways, and helps him find love. While this is happening Santa Claus (Nicolas Cage) has been hitting the booze and ends up wandering alone through the streets of New York and sleeping in front of Turk's office building, and is accidentaly hit by Turk's Limo. Turk figures out who the man is and uses his wealth, influence and new found love of humanity to bring Christmas joy to all around the world.
Script by Akiva Goldsman with Ron Howard attached to direct.

Or finally I play Rance the stupidest reindeer who leads the sled into the side of a house, killing all of the eight other tiny reindeer (Whoopi Goldberg, Lance Bass, Taye Diggs, Jamie Kennedy, Willie Nelson, Bart Durham, Dustin Diamond, Cathy Griffin) and Santa (Rodney Dangerfield) on impact. A distraught Rance cries out for assistance to be answered by the chain-smoking spirit of Christmas (Christopher Walken), who teaches him the true value of Christmas and helps him kick the booze. Then Rance takes the reins as the new Santa and captures and enslaves nine multi-national children to pull his sleigh.
Screenplay by Adam Sandler with Jonathan Frakes attached to direct.
(The part with the enslaving of children may be dropped, due to difficulty in child labor statutes effecting the filming schedule)

Which one do you think I should do?