Hey, guess what.

Metallica's new album Stanger is a complete and utter turd. A big, festering sloppy green and brown turd. There's not even any corn to liven the thing up.

Apart from the fact that it comes with a DVD and the booklet is nice, it just doesn't do it. I haven't tried the online crappery that comes with it, and I don't think I will either.

I know alot of people really dogged Load, and Re-Load, but they were tons better than this. They sounded better, and the songs had more of a hook to them. There's no "King Nothing" or "Fuel" on this album.

What's more, the music sounds muddy, much like it's still in a demo version much of the time. It doesn't sound garagey, just amatuer.

Lars's drumming is too forward in the mix and the guitars seem listless, without anything realy to do.

It's grinding metal allright, but grinding and boring without purpose. It's like listening to any Godsmack album, you hope and hope that there'll be something there, but in the end you finish listening to it and can't really describe what you just heard. At least Godsmack have that Voodoo song, this has nothing like that, nothing.

There are a few nice lyrical flourishes there "My lifestyle determines my deathstyle," but nothing really is that memorable. Maybe a really kickass video for one of the songs would help nudge it along, like much of the new music today seems to need.

It sounds like they are trying hard to write for disenfranchised youth culture, but it all sounds hollow.

I think they need to fire Lars, bring back Newstead (The new bass player seems cool enough, but I don't think he even played on this album, I'm pretty sure Bob Rock did most of the bass on it), and bring in Dave Mustane as a third guitarist (I'll lay odds that Lars was the one that had the problem with him to begin with). They could even get Tommy Lee to come in as a drummer. Granted the new band wouldn't really be Metallica, but this album doesn't sound like Metallice either. It sounds like James Hetfield and a bunch of studio musicians playing original songs by a Metallica tribute band on second rate equipment.

I should have listened to myself and let this one die on the rack like Jacko's last one, but I saw that free DVD, and the $9.99 price and said, what the hell. What the Hell indeed.

If this is what we get when Hetfield doesn't drink, he needs to start again quick.