Sunday, November 24, 2002

Two movie posts in a row, but this one had to be said.

I rented The Scorpion King yesterday and I have a few things to say about it.

This is a film that recieved thunderingly negative reviews when it came out, and justifiably so. Twenty minutes or so into the lackluster action, badly directed scenes and largely expository dialogue, without thinking about it, I started reading a book. If this film can't keep my interest for twenty minutes but I can watch Fellowship of the Ring for 4+ hours, there is something wrong. Both films are fantasy, but one succeeds in making a believable world of fantastical creatures, while the other succeeds in creating a world pulled directly from prophouses in Hollywood.

Middle-Earth is convincing, 3000 B.C.somewhere around Gommorah is not.

This movie isn't worth an in depth review, i'm already tired of talking about it and trying to think of structure, so here are some points I have about it in no particular order:
  • I am tired of historical fantasy films that feel the need to have heavy metal or rock soundtracks. Legend is better with the classical score, and I can't get into Ladyhawke because of the bad synthesizer music.
  • I liked this movie much better when it was called Conan: the Barbarian. Everything is there, down to the beatiful woman/love interest using magic to bring the slain hero back to life.
  • I don't know if Dwayne Johnson can act or not, this movie is no indication. Apparantly Michael Clarke Duncan can't either.
  • Instead of telling us the villan is the baddest swordsman on the planet, show us. We got nothing more than him beating up Egyptian Ninjas in practice fights, and blocking arrows with a sword. He's a conqueror, show him fighting in battles.
  • If those Akkadian arrows have enough force to throw people 10 feet into the air and back 40 or so feet, why fight with swords at all? They are so good at blending into their camouflage, why do they need to fight hand to hand?
  • Why the need for the funny side-kick?
  • Could this films action and villans look any more like Mortal Kombat the movie?
  • Apparantly, wrestlers with the exception of Terry Funk just cannot act like real people on film. They always have to ham it up.

    Enough about this crap. I just hope this Helldorado that Dwayne Johnson is currently filming turns out better than this. I believe it is a western, so that means next he should do a modern film (Spy Hunter) then one set in a post-apocalyptic future (Duke Nukem).
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