TNA Thoughts, Slammiversary 2007

Tommy, Katy, Roxanne and I took a trip up to Nashville last night to attend TNA Wrestling's Slammiversary.

Before the event we stopped at Toot's in Cookeville, which is the Bizzaro world version of Toot's in Murfreesboro. Instead of MTSU memorabilia, there was Tennessee Tech stuff all over. The food was the same though. I love me some fried dill pickles.

We headed up to the show through Crossville to avoid the traffic from Hippie Jam Band Festival Bonnaro in Manchester. On the way back we did get to experience actual Hippies at a truck stop called Love's. It was Christmas and New Years all rolled into one for police along the interstate last night as they seemed to just be pulling over any of the many many VW microbuses on the road.

I must mention the quite possibly insane parking guy that we paid at the Municipal Auditorium and the fact that he would not stop talking and mumbling to himself and seemed slightly ill equiped to deal with all the traffic!

Now, on to the show:

The first match of the night was Ms. Brooks vs. some DJ Guy. The DJ Guy got his jollies feeling Ms. Brooks up and almost broke his neck doing a second rope moonsault. He lost and got kicked for his trouble. This was a throwaway, but no real horribleness.

Next we were 'treated' to a mini-set by the band of the evening the Lo Cash Cowboys. Aparantly they didn't get the memo that if you have two lead singers you might not want them both to look and sing exactly the same. The drummer and the Bass player fought a very passive battle over who could look more bored. The singers tried to pop the crowd by mentioning that they were influenced by "ZZ TOP! GREAT WHITE!! LYNRYD SKYNRYD!!! AND ABBA!!!!" in a way that reminded me way to much of Goldylocks pandering that people said she reminded them of a female Kid Rock.

The band played a medly with the Georgia Sattleites "Don't Give Me No Lies" in it, and managed to make at least seven people in the crowd dance, including Chicken Hat.

Did I mention that Tommy spotted Chicken Hat in the front row? Those were $150 tickets, those were.

Also we got to experience the Drunken Frat Boy Experience, as there were at least four very drunken fellas right in front of us who really liked to stand up all the time!

On to the matches:

RHINO & SENSHI VS. THE LAX--Good little match that saw Hernandez throw LowShi around the ring like a rag doll and Konnan and Hector Guererro do almost nothing. The guys in the ring really busted ass on this one, especially LowShi and Homicide.
Rhino and LowShi win with the outside interferance into a Gore.

X TITLE MATCH: CHRIS SABIN vs. "BLACK MACHISMO" JAY LETHAL--Lethal has the macho schtick down and pulled out all the classics as well as his own moves in this one. Really good match.
Machismo wins the title with the Elbow Drop.

FRANK WYCHECK AND JERRY LYNN VS. JAMES STORM AND THE TRUTH--Wycheck didn't kill James Storm with the pile-driver that won this match. Jerry and Truth worked hard and so did Storm. I just hope this doesn't mean Wycheck is going full time for TNA.
Wycheck wins with a pile-driver.

MR. BACKLUND VS. ALEX SHELLEY--Better match than it had any right to be on paper, and Backlund did his part well. It is odd that I find Backlund way more entertaining now than at any other point in his career and he worked well with Shelley.

STIENER/ANIMAL VS. DUDLEYS--Better also than it had a right to be. Animal got a huge pop and worked as well as Scott would have. Dudley's win.

ABYSS VS. TOMKO--Before the show I commented to Roxanne and Tommy that someone would be jumping off the top of the entrance ramp, since there were two large ladders going up either side of the stage. During this match, both of the men went off the top. Good brawl with Abyss winning.

KING OF THE MOUNTAIN--CHRISTIAN VS. AJ VS. JOE VS. ANGLE VS. KITTEN--Great match with lots of high spots and convoluted rules. Kitten held his own ring wise, but still isn't quite up to the main event spot. Everybody worked really hard and didn't die. Angle wins.

See our pictures below that Roxanne took.

Slammiversary Pictures

Pictures from TNA Slammiversary 6-17-07, by Roxanne

New Sly Stallone Movie Pitches

Marion Cobretti

Marion 'Cobra' Cobretti is down on his luck. Once viewed as the only man harder than Dirty Harry, now he's forgotten and living by day as a Denny's short order cook and by night as a bouncer at a hotel bar.

Until the night he witnesses a Senator murdering a prostitute with a new, powerful drug cocktail called Smark. Teaming up with the sassy black waitress Kaneesha, Cobra returns to his crime fighting roots and takes it all the way to the Senate floor where he violently assaults the perpetrator and fills him full of his own drug.

"Just say no."


The Guy From Over The Top

The Guy From Over the Top--TGFOTT is down on his luck. Once viewed as the only truck-driver/arm wrestling champion to be able to overcome all the odds and win his son's love and the championship, now he's forgotten and driving a manure truck. His only companion is a sassy orangutan named Zeke who is now the only 'person' willing to arm-wrestle him. Fortunately Zeke's forearms are superhumanly strong and even out of the game TGFOTT's arms are bigger than Popeye's.

An evil trucking firm threatens to buy out the family owned company TGFOTT drives for and he reluctantly enters the world arm wrestling championships to try to make the money to save the company. He trains hard with Zeke, but when he finds out that his son (who he has not seen for ten years) is also in the competition to try and make enough money to save the Orphanage that he runs from being bought by greedy developers he almost loses his nerve.

Zeke convinces him that the money will be enough to save both, and reminds him that at the very least it is just a shit delivery company.

Later it is discovered that TGFOTT's son is not his son at all, but an impostor and that Zeke was his son all along.


Frank Stallone

Frank Stallone (Sylvester Stallone) is a down on his luck actor who can't get more than bit parts, even in his own brother's movies (Sylvester Stallone, played by Frank Stallone). He lands the part of Zeke in The Guy From Over the Top, but loses it at the last minute when he fails monkey school.

Hilarity of course ensues.

Steve Guttenberg also has a role as a talking panda bear named gus.

And someone gets their head punched off into a wall of molten lava. Possibly by Bolo Yeung.

Greatest Thing Ever

I found the greatest crappy food item ever today at Big Lots. Even greater than Nascar Hamburgers. Even greater than Jeff Foxworthy Ham Jerky.

I give you Rap Snacks



Here we have Lil' Romeo Bar-B-quin' with my Honey and Dirt McGirt Sour Cream and Onion.

Romeo urges you to stay in school and Dirt says think responsibly.

I-have-no-more-words.

Wrassler

Here's the beginning of a new story.

For every Hulk Hogan there are a hundred Tony Atlases, and for every Tony Atlas there are a thousand Gypsy Joes.

I'm not even a Gypsy Joe.

You don't remember me. It's o.k., nobody really does, except my Ex-Wives and the IRS.

I've been around the world and back again, from the gutter to the Penthouse and back to the gutter more times than I can count.

I've had more names than I can count too. In Indianapolis in '72 I was the Mad Mook; In Philly in '76 I was Jimmy the Retard; In Atlanta in '77 I was Kruschev the Killer, and then ten years later under a hood I was Mr. Midnight #2.

But I started out and I'm gonna end as Leonard Bergeron Chapek.

I didn't expect it to ring a bell.

I've been a grave-digger, a short order cook, a tobacco farmer, a janitor (twice) and a bunch of other shit not worth mentioning. But the only thing I was ever good at was wrestling. Some people might argue with that, but the promoter's knew what they were doing when the brought me in.

If they needed a Heel to make their Babyface, I was the man to do it.

There've been plenty of guys that they say could get a great match out of a mop if they tried, but I didn't even need the mop. In Birmingham in '74 as Uncle Rascal, I convinced the marks that there was an invisible grappler called Tim Spook and managed to work for three months without even having an opponent.

I know the business better than most. I know how to squeeze pennies until they turn silver. I know the look in a promoter's eye that they get when they're going to short you. I know how to milk any hint of fame and I know how to dig through the garbage.

Put me in the ring with your Babyface and I will make him. Put me in the ring with your top Heel. Put me in the ring with your son.

Hell, put me in the ring with your dog and I will make it a star.

Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. R.I.P.