Saturday, March 08, 2003

Just to copy Tommy, but to add a little twist of my own to it, here are the ten best Rutger Hauer movies ever made (at least that I’ve seen):

10. Surviving the Game Yet another retread of the story The Most Dangerous Game. In this one Ice-T runs from Gary Busey and Rutger with their band of rich man hunters.
9. Redline What I’ve seen is quite good in this film. I’ve seen very little.
8. Breeders Rutger is a grizzled doctor who must help stop a horde of inbred vampire things before they overrun a small island town.
7. Crossroads Rutger is the grizzled old warrior who must help some young magical prince or whatnot. Better than it should be.
6. Flesh and Blood Naked Jennifer Jason Leigh. End of story.
5. Split Second Rutger tracks an alien serial killer or something of the sort in a really rainy future. Also topless Kim Catrall pre-Sex In the City days.
4. Omega Doom Quite possibly the worst film ever made. Robots fighting over drinking water or some such nonsense.
3. The Hitcher Rutger is death. A helicopter is shot down by a revolver. There is a severed finger in the french fries. Jennifer Jason Leigh again, this time not naked though, but she is stretched between two semi-trucks.
2. Blood of Heroes Post-apocalyptic rugby where teams travel from town to town to challenge the local team and the game is over when one team is able to impale a dog skull on a pike and manage not to get killed in the process.
And Numero Uno:
Blind Fury He’s a blind Vietnam vet, he’s crotchety and he has to protect a little pissant kid from mobsters, and did I mention, he’s a Samurai? Quality filmmaking here. Also starring Meg Foster and her creepy eyes and Randall “Tex” Cobb. It also seems that Lucas stole the fate of Darth Maul from the ninja at the end of this film.

Honorable mentions:
No Bladerunner or Confessions of a Dangerous Mind, those are real movies and we don’t allow real movies on this list.
Wedlock Rutger and Mimi Rogers are linked by explosive collars, and if they get to far apart they will have their heads blown off. Hilarity ensues.
The One That Co-Stars Gene Simmons I haven’t even removed the plastic on this one, because that would ruin my expectations of it. In my mind it is beautiful.
Escape From Sobibor WWII film co-starring Alan Arkin about an escape from a concentration camp. Think Hogan’s Heroes without the funny, and with Rutger as Richard Dawson.

That is all.

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